Monday, August 4, 2008
you're meant for great things. i know you are.
i'm glad i took up medicine instead of signing on.
03:30 a.m.
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
"Let humility be your cloak"
3 months back, I'd just gotten my A levels results and was walking around the hall feeling good about myself. Mr Koh, my canoeing teacher in charge, came over and asked me how i did. With a cocky grin I replied that i'd aced it. He told me: "congratulations bernard! but remember- let humility be your cloak".
At that point, I brushed off his advice. Humility? Man, i'm on the top of the world right now! I just kicked some cambridge ass ! what do i want to be humble for?
being older and wiser now, i realise how valuable his advice is. excessive pride makes you focus too much on yourself and your own achievements and forget about the emotional needs of the people around you, and also makes you chase pointless achievements and neglect the little joys that really matter, such as slacking with friends or having meals with family. besides, I think that true pride comes from knowing that you are good, without need to let to others know or acknowledge it.
being too competitive is probably a bad thing. what really matters? the illusion of glory or fun & good company? if it's the latter, then being overcompetitive is one sure way to screw it up. in oc(s), there were 2 cadets in my platoon driven to get sword of honor that they sort of slave drived everyone else and stepped on our toes (hint: they both were CWCs before) and wayanged a lot in front of instructors. but really, for what? i think thats an example of how doing things for pride can get unhealthy. i'd respect unassuming excellence more than ostentatious competence.
pride also makes one complacent. for e.g., i was quite fit in JC so i assumed i'd be fit in army too, so i slacked off and never did any PT on my own. now, my strength and running sucks bomb cos i was complacent about it and took it for granted that it will be there forever even when i dont put in effort to maintain it.
conclusions? excessive pride gets in the way of friendship and true excellence, so it's best to let humility be your cloak and wear it always
03:10 a.m.
Friday, March 21, 2008
back to chiongsua
got OCS, but so did about everybody else. Lol, din really believe my senior when he said that all RJ usually go OCS, but i guess that happened. So the feeling of achievement isn't really there. Anyway, time to excel. Was slacking too much in BMT, gotta work harder this round and rise up to the challenge. I'm pretty sure i'd be in delta wing so i know that i'd get fcked by the trainers a hell lot. so must... rise up to the challenge. this will probably be the last entry for a while, but with very important things coming up, such as the safo(s) board interview, USA uni replies as well as OCS, i'm sure the next entry will be very momentous (hopefully, in a good way)
11:24 a.m.
Friday, March 7, 2008
yeah man!
5As and distinction baby! winzzz
11:03 p.m.
Friday, March 7, 2008
big day
its tmr. somehow, im not nervous. maybe it hasnt came yet and i was too shacked out to think about it. or maybe its because i know i did good. where does this confidence come from? tmr will be a day of reckoning indeed. if i dont get my 5A+distinction, i think my safo(s) dream is as good as gone so its time to start thinking of other career plans (banking, anyone?). anyway, i think im a really greedy person. managed to get my IPPT silver (a pretty good one, i must say. 20 pullups 9.44 run) but still feel shitty that i din get the gold. lols. on the bright side, good SOC timing, field camp scores and range (company best shot!) so congrats. if OCS is awaiting, the captain from the recruitment center promised to give me a call on friday night to schedule an interview. so we'll see. friday is indeed a big day.
02:20 a.m.
Sunday, February 24, 2008
grr
i dont believe i cant get even a measly silver for ippt. i can do it.
12:54 a.m.
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
steeling myself for the inevitable
i don't think they'd take me in. i doubt i'm good enough. i must accept the 5 rejections that are coming now... and start thinking of next year. is cornell good enough for me? upenn? i still really want to go to princetn...but i think harvd and yal. are out of the question now. as for stanfrd, i think my chances are still pretty slim. but then again, i still rather be rejected than... live in regret for not even daring to try. the process is really hit and miss, so maybe luck might tilt my way for once this time. till 1st april, then.
03:29 p.m.
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
bad dream and some emo thoughts
was feeling lonely today and suddenly thought of a dream i had many times before...that i was an very old man whose wife and children had already died and was just sitting at home, waiting to die too...with only memories to keep him company. i guess time can be pretty cruel in that sense... once it passes you by, it can come close to make it seem as if you never existed.
who are you? what do you stand for? are you special...? these are some questions i'd think about more when i book in tmr. one redeeming aspect of army life is that you are never short of friends around you.
on a random note, i better start thinking up of a plan B. haven't been called up for an interview by the scholarships commission yet, and even if i chalk up a perfect score i think that my position wouldn't improve much. so, what should i do? my original plan B was to work in finance, and basically earn money. im good with people and with math, so i think i'd be fairly successful. i'm also willing to work like a dog for a fat paycheck. but is that going to be meaningful? i'm not so sure that i can do that for my whole life... and i think its undesirable to work in one field and quit halfway. its as good as wasting ure time. but medicine?? firstly, im not that sure that i want it either. secondly, i might not get it, NUS med is so competitive. thirdly, its really hard work too. and lastly, there will always be some part of me nagging that it could be my parent's wishes instead of my own...
anyway, was just thinking back on my army life. i'm not like super leadership or zai and always kenna diao by the sergeants. but at least i'm quite close to my bunkmates and my buddy dom sim (what luck man, 4 yrs classmate and now buddy). i'm not so sure that i can make it into OCS coz my ippt is onli passing... but if i do, i will need to rise to the challenge. and i really hope that i can get marksman, which is quite possible if they dont nullify my night shoot. my day shoot is after field camp, so i'd think about it when it comes. the food suckss man... usually. and i like to eat leisurely so having to gobble it down in 15 minutes is quite irritating.
i have to make a decision now. i can either become a super achiever, or a relax person with no regrets. which one should i choose? relaxing in RI got me into trouble, but achieving in RJ was really stressful. im kinda torn between the expectations of everybody and myself, and the urge to just enjoy life and relax. be somebody or have fun?
03:10 p.m.
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
Some questions cannot be answered./ They become familiar weights in the hand,/ Round stones pulled from the pocket, unyielding and cool.''+ - Jane Hirshfield, poet, Princeton Class of 1973
Tell us about an event or experience that helped to shape your values
Ask yourself: If you were born at a different place, in a different time, to a different family, would your life turn out the same? How much of what we are is because of who we are?
Some say that I’m the family whiz kid. Age 9- identified by the government to be amongst the top 1% of the cohort, and inducted into the Gifted Education Program for special nurture. Age 12- stellar performance in the national Primary School Leaving Examination and offered admission into Singapore’s premier school-Raffles Institution. Age 17- pulled off a hat trick of almost perfect SAT1, perfect SAT2 and straight As for final year of high school.
My grandfather says it’s a result of the family money that allows me to pay for tuition and textbooks. “He’s pumped up with your money”, he once accused my mother, “so don’t be too proud of him.”
When I found out that he had said that, I was initially hurt. How could he discount my hard work? Who was the person, sitting at that damned table for nights on end working for it?
And then the creeping doubts set in. If I had been born into harder circumstances, would I still be able to shine?
Eventually, the pain faded, but the nagging thoughts persisted. Could I? What if? I begun to secretly fantasize about myself being born in an underprivileged home and succeeding at school through sheer grit. The conundrum became an obsession- a stone washed smooth by the endless flow of harried thoughts and kept in a pocket at the back of my mind, extracted at convenient moments to be tossed around the edge of my conscious. Indifferent and unyielding to my desperate interrogation, it remained cool, unassailable, gently taunting me. And there was no way that I would ever know the answer to that question.
It’s ironic that this cross that I have to bear is at the same time my greatest source of strength. Frustration and indignant anger is channeled into willpower that fuels my endeavors. For the longest time rage fuelled my thoughts and actions, propelling me to work harder and longer in a bid to prove- to myself, to everybody- that I am what I am now by my own merit.
And yet, Goethe’s words from his poem Zaubehrling come to mind: “The ghosts that I have summoned I must get rid of now.” I must exorcise the ghost of the riddle before it overwhelms me. I can’t let my life be influenced by the words of other people; I must run my own race, walk my own road.
Perhaps that’s why I’m applying for admission into Princtn. To escape from the life that seems to lie ahead of me. Study hard, they say, and follow your parents’ footsteps to become doctors. Enter medical school, become a prominent surgeon like your father. And wham, I’m already 50.
I don’t want to live the life that my parents have lovingly planned out for me. The ‘perfect’ life they envisioned for their only son. No. Some questions cannot be answered. Could I have made it if I was born into harder circumstances? I’d never find out, and spending each day trying to prove that I could doesn’t help.
But some questions can be answered. Whose dreams are you going to chase- your own or those of somebody else? It’s been said that you only have one life, so try to live it. I know that by eschewing Singaporean medical school for an American education, I would leave my parents devastated. But I must. I can’t wake up one day and realize that I’m already 50, and that I’ve been living someone else’s dream all along. Walk your own path, little boy, and never look back.
02:01 a.m.
Thursday, December 20, 2007
fat
when even ure maid says ure fat........its time to put on the running shoes.
12:47 a.m.
Saturday, December 1, 2007
running the good race
its over, and im proud of myself. now for the well deserved break before i enlist.
11:56 a.m.
Thursday, September 27, 2007
sometimes even i surprise myself..
maybe there's a chance now...a slim one but better than anything ive ever had. i only hope my knee's injury isn't permanent if not i can kiss officer cadet school goodbye. and chicken pie is nice ^_^ i like.
11:56 p.m.
Sunday, August 5, 2007
sweeping it under the carpet doesnt help
well, here i am, almost a month after my 1.5 years of canoeing ended. unlike the rest of my teammates, i still feel terrible. i never thought we would win, but to show up so pathetically was...embarassing.
to be honest, i was never the natural athlete. i was a nerd, to be found for the greater part of the day found between the chair and the computer. star wars, comics, the internet, chatting, reading, those were my thing. canoeing was indeed a plunge for me, for i have never trained so hard so often before. ever training was an ordeal, and i always had to try to find the strength from deep inside just to complete, so i could survive and reach home and unpack my schwork begin the fight yet again...
why am i sad? partly, because my efforts went unrewarded. i was hoping to get a medal, or at least something tangible, to show for the amount of time i put in. my sister brings back fencing medals every fortnight, but i...only have had 2 competitions ever. went over to my neighbour's house and he had heaps and heaps of trophies and medals... about as many as what they give out in one canoeing meet. i think abt 50? gosh. i felt so useless, so...noob. of course, it is unrealistic or at least a long shot to expect to reach the apex of a sport in a year or so, something which i became aware of. intensity is secondary to years of experience and a good foundation. too bad, can't turn time around.
i tried to ignore it, to focus on the task at hand now- prelims. but somehow, the bad feeling hasnt faded, and occasionally it comes up again..
i am not used to losing. in my life, i have gotten everything i have wanted, attained through my sheer willpower. this is the first time i have tasted defeat and humiliation so thoroughly. perhaps thats why i feel so...broken. that my best wasn't enough. sure, id readily admit that the other schools trained harder and more often. but if i had been subjected to that kind of training regimen, i am sure i could have survived it too...
i really don't know where to go from here. i'd probably cram my ass off for prelims and As, whack SATs, do the university applications and so on. But i dont know whether to smile or to cry when i think back of my rj canoeing days. i feel that ive let my juniors down, but deep down i know that they will probably get whacked next year. perhaps the bottom line is that...the human spirit is great, but sometimes it isnt enough?
perhaps one of my bigger concerns now is my relationship with God. guess im a perpetual backsliding christian, either disillusioned with religion as a whole or setting it real low on my priority list. at least my angst is somewhat gone, upon long reflection (yes, i do think abt God, the meaning of life, what God wants for us and so on, when im free), i managed to come to certain understandings of the world and of humanity, which lets me view things with a more mature outlook. but the scary part is, i just don't care. i know that God exists (yes, i study biology, and the wonders of biology strongly point towards a god. you have 3billion bases of DNA and JUST ONE mutation on a coding region and u get a disease. how wonderful the body is for it to work so flawlessly!), and i THINK that he loves me (but he loves everybody. i want to be loved more than normal. if not i wont be special. hmph) but i just...don't care. i think the problem is that i am too worldly, caught up in things like what career path to choose, whether this university is good or not, what to wear, what to eat. perhaps these things are cluttering up my life and distracting me from God. but really, i've rarely felt his presence, and being the avaricious person i am, my relationship with him tends to be transactionary, usually the pledging of good behavior for reward of some sort (id be good! pls! let me win T2!!....NO!!!). I'm quite blessed who have friends who really want to help me out, like zhuoyi who brought me to city harvest in sec3/4 (thanks man...altho it din work out, i really appreciated it) or psy, who is trying to get me to go to his church nowadays. but really. i just can't have faith without sight, although u are supposed to believe in God without proof of his glory..i must see it for myself, must have it tangible to my senses...
funny how i drifted from canoeing onto religion. i think one of the reasons why i didnt go back to church as i promised myself i would was because i was angry at God. guess if he's all powerful, its easy to blame him for something that happen. in fact, you can blame him for anything and everything. they say that he has a plan for me and you, that everything that happens happens for a reason. but im am only human. i can only see until the horizon. and that is why i am so hurt and that i am tempted to think, "maybe God doesnt know what he is doing, or perhaps the plan he has for me is a shitty one. I'd find my own way". Can i do it alone? i dont know...if ure gonna come help me u better do it soon coz im abt near the end alr
10:20 p.m.
Monday, June 18, 2007
hang in there man...
life is tough. as of now, im dog tired, and about to start revision that will hopefully last late into the night. i've already made some thick coffee (3 spoonfuls, the box recommended one. GG OVERDOSE) and i hope that it would keep me going. some days i wake up and i just want to take a day off. perhaps falling sick would be a blessing for it would offer some respite, but i wont allow that to happen. I think its high time i've overcome my greatest weakness-mediocrity. I realised that in everything i did seriously, somehow i was never the best. having received the title of "good", i would content myself with the knowledge that i was good, and stop there. in primary school, i never, ever topped my class, although i was always amongst the higher few. even my psle result of 275 did not top the class, although i was top ten in taonan (along with 2 of my classmates zhenghong and heex). even when i was playing Wolfenstein competitively online, as a member of clan TM, i was one of the better players but never the best. perhaps the quote from coach carter rings true, that "our greatest fear is not being inadequate but being powerful beyond measure". but in my case, i think that what held me back is the fact that i was satisfied easily. i remember that in RI, whenever i got above 80% i would be very happy, but that would be the end of the story. i never once tried to fly higher and faster, but was content with merely satisficing, getting an A (or some other achievement) and feeling that i was good... enough.
this has to stop. right here and right now. im never going to go far this way. had i not been enlightened, i would have been living like this all my life, always working hard enough to get by. I must really thank kaiyang and selwyn, who are my role models. I have learnt much from them over the past 1+ years in canoeing. "To give anything less than your best is to sacrifice the gift". It is an immense tragedy if one is meant for great things but does not realise it because he is lazy and willing to satisfice.
however... its not easy to shine. saying "best" is easy, but living it is terribly hard. it requires determination...sacrifice (something's gotta give. bye DOTA)...and most of all belief in the goal. its not easy, its a long and narrow road, and every step down that road is excruciating.
the renaissance master of old, michaelangelo suffered from chronic arthritis. while painting the sistine chapel, it became obvious to his disciples that he was in great pain. "come, master, come down and take a rest. you can let us do the painting work for you, according to your instruction" said his oldest disciple. Michaelangelo winced, but shook his head and replied..."The pain fades...but the beauty remains."
08:20 p.m.
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
the end of a dream and the birth of another
i've decided that i dont want to study in america anymore. i shall stay in singapore so that i can be with my parents. 2 years of army plus another 4-5 years of overseas education, very soon, both of them will be white haired. I don't want to let them go like that before i can repay them by being a fillial son and making them happy...i think i can enlarge my horizons without spending so much time (and money) getting an american education.
strangely, despite what ive said all my life about not wanting to follow my parent's footsteps, i have been considering to apply for medical school. i feel that being a doctor is a very practical profession that combines hard, honest work (many professions end up being dirty... e.g. criminal law or finance with all the insider trading) with status (people respect doctors) with a decent pay ($6-8k, quite comfortable) and most of all, utility. My other interests would possibly be journalism or law, but i am sure that a doctor still can write in his free time, while a journalist/lawyer will never be able to practise medicine. well, not like medical school is easy to get in. 6000+ applicants, 600 shortlisted, 250 taken in. thats a 3% success rate, and im sure amongst the 600 shortlisted, 4A students are a dime a dozen. to show the extent of the competitiveness, harvard, yale and stanford boasts a 9% admission rate, while other ivy league universities such as cornell or UPenn range from 15-20%. Hence, getting into Singapore med sch is 3 times harder than getting into harvard-which is often acclaimed as the best university in the world and the gold standard of american education. perhaps its attributed to the intake, 250 per batch for medical school compared to 1800 for harvard. but that doesnt change the odds. ah well, looks like my 2340 SAT score is going to go to waste. haha, i was quite proud of it, although it seemed kinda tyco to me. In the post mortem that college board sent me, i realised that i made only 3 mistakes in the whole paper (1 blank 2 error). that was far better than in my practice tests, where i would chalk up like 3 mistakes in one section alone. man, it must have been the copious amounts of coffee i was drinking in the morning.
didnt go anywhere this holiday =/ i would have liked to go on a overseas trip or something, but there just wasnt the time. i guess the automatic answer to that gripe would be "after A levels". A levels seems to be like the be-all and end-all of our lives, sort of like the end of the road, death and ascension to heaven after that. lol, i know lots of people who are counting down the days and months till its all over. i think most of our counterparts in Asia aren't having a good time either, when i went to taiwan, their senior high was really cram school, school practically lasted into the night (8am-5pm, with extra classes for weaker students from 7-9pm), and the students would have tuition classes that were more like lectures (200 ppl in one hall with a lecturer giving tuition... sorta opposite from what we do here) that lasted the whole night. Im sure that in korea or japan school isn't easy either, and in china school's definitely cutthroat. but i guess thats the price you have to pay for education... you have to be forged through the fire. but one concern is that the emphasis on rote and memorisation dismantles any student's love for learning. if learning isn't fun and knowledge is a chore, most people would probably close their minds after they graduate, which is quite a sad thing. but i guess not everybody was cut out for school.
well im cramming out my EDB essay on biotech in spore. contrary to what many think, i think it will succeed! but phillip yeo's rebuttal arguments to lee wei ling's demand that our resources be more focused on niche areas (like hep B or head injury) are really weak. like wtf, he replied "the govt is fully committed to seeing biotech through". How does that answer the question at all? its more an evasion if anything. the govt can be committed while utilising a more focused strategy and pumping up the niche areas too, what.
10:28 a.m.
Saturday, May 26, 2007
%#@%@#!%#
im fcking tired of hearing fckshit from coach teacher captain teammates that we can't win and we are going to eat shit and everything. not that i think we can, but i wish we would stop talking and start working... and certain pissant people really pull the team down, coming down to gym training and spending time flexing, using sickness as an excuse to pon, basically just being pathetic. seriously, guys team has 21 members and girls team has 12, how the FCK does it happen that their attendance regularly surpasses ours? really, stop being pathetic. its embarassing. to the rest, i really respect you guys for hanging on for so long...never met better people. you guys will definitely succeed in life, coz uve got the grit.
04:10 p.m.
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
i will go to america.
02:05 a.m.
Tuesday, March 6, 2007
do not worry
"do not worry about your life, what you will eat, or about your body, what you will wear. Life is more than food, the body more than clothes".
its the final year of mandatory education, and everyone is feeling the pressure. where will i go? what will i do? can i get a scholarship? such worrisome burdens take away the colour of school life, and every spare moment is orchestrated towards academic pursuit. doubt creeps in. is my testimonial nice enough? oh dear, i wasn't a prefect. had i known i would have run for council or something.
i believe that we are meant to live for so much more than this. we are neglecting many things in a blind paper chase. perhaps thats how the system works here, but id like to believe that it isn't so. when was the last time you took a lazy afternoon off, and helped your mom prepare dinner and enjoyed the satisfaction of cooking something edible? When was the last time you read a good book that wasn't part of the curriculum, and felt that warm feeling as your inner horizons were broadened, when your fingertips touched events and ideas that happened far away and long ago? when was the last time you went fishing, and even though you caught nothing, managed to enjoy the magenta sunset? Not to mention going home hungry as a wolf and eating that huge dinner. When was the last time you made friends and interacted with people without any other agenda? not for the purpose of networking, not for asking them for something, but for the simple reason that they were around and we were bored?
perhaps, this age is truly the end of innocence, and past this, we will all be wrapped up in our cuccoons of committments, goals, scars and worries. But really, life is like a box of chocolates, and you really don't know what you are gonna get. I just hope i look back at the end of it all and think, "well, i aint led no hum-drum life!"
09:40 p.m.
Tuesday, March 6, 2007
a mediation on morality- to turn the other cheek or to slap him right back
Confucius was once asked: "How would you deal with someone who has wronged another?" He replied "I would mete out punishment to him". "Master, do you not preach kindness to all? why not in this case?" Confucius replied: "If you repay wrongdoing with kindness, then what will you reward good deeds with?"
Observation of fellow humans indicates a human tendency to be vindictive. When wronged, people want revenge (recall Shylock from the Merchant of Venice). However, is this behavior congruent with morality?
perhaps it depends on intentions. If wrongdoings were unintentional, such as a driver accidentally knocking a person down on a dark lane, perhaps they could be forgiven and passed off as unfortunate. But what about malice? Can malice be forgiven, should it? After all, there is nothing more distasteful to an individual that the knowledge that another being loathes him to the extent of being willing to inflict harm, and people being self-righteous beings that they are, tend towards self defense and retaliation. After all, the policy of turning the other cheek puts one at a marked disadvantage, metaphorically, he can keep getting "slapped" and be unable to do anything about it, his hands bound by the principles he has suscribed to.
but could tolerance and forgiveness be, in fact, the correct approach? I believe that such a policy is good in a long run, because it reduces antipathy. An aggressive stance may deter other aggressors, but it inadvertently ends up stepping on many toes, resulting in grudges being borne by others. A pacifist approach will eventually earn the respect of others, and it raises you above the petty level of an-eye-for-an-eye, for which there are no end (just consider all those endless family feuds that characterise tribal societies worldwide).
to conclude, doing the right thing isn't always easy. in fact, its very hard most of the time. but it has to be done because its the right thing (good ol' forrest gump logic for you)
09:13 p.m.
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
i may fail but i will not quit
its been around a year of canoeing, and my thoughts are... its okay to fail but don't ever quit. this is in reponse to the idea of late ive been playing around with- the thought of leaving the team because i really feel like crap, due to the stress of j2 work and with the upcoming SATs as well as dismal training performances. Its really hard to study when you are so busy and so tired.. training hasnt been so good because jiaolian has been demoralising us of late, telling us things such as the fact that we may not even hold on to our mediocre 3rd place next year because all the other JCs are training like mad, and that our batch isn't very talented. what a cruel way for dreams to crash down, i can still remember the enthusiastic, starry eyed talk that we had last year about being the special batch that broke our 'losing streak' and brought home the championship title.
but two things woke me up. the first was during the sports talk, where i learnt about the perserverence of some french cyclist woman (i forgot her name) who is damn pro but her first 3 types in the olympics, she always gets unlucky and does not get the olympic gold, because of stupid reasons such as a hip bone injury or because another cyclist crashed into her and broke her bicycle chain. the second was today, during training, where i encountered a really painful leg cramp after 1.5 hours in the boat, and i asked the coach to let me go home. He agreed, but he gave me this look that said "well...alright, go home if you wish. i can't stop you can i?" he didnt mean it in a nasty way but... it stirred up deep feelings within my heart. "is this what i truly am? a person who just goes home halfway because training is tough and his leg hurts? is this really me?" and henceforth, i decided that i would see the training right to the end, and hang in there all the way.
I think that perserverence is more important than results. I used to come for training because i knew i was once of the 'star' canoeists and that i would receive much recognition and praise. After a long hiatus involving the promos, the laos trip and my taiwan trip, i find that i have to start back at square one. My physique, once tough and powerful from constant and intensive training, degenerated into flabbiness and lethargy. Poor sleeping habits that led to unearthly hours such as going to bed at 3am, undisciplined eating habits that cumulated with me indulging in junk foods like macdonalds or carl's junior, drinking habits that i acquired during the holidays, as well as the lack of a passion to train that resulted in halfhearted trainings where i just went through the motions for the sake of it; all these resulted in a drop in my canoeing performance.
and it felt really shitty, to row and do timings that were about as fast as when i just started, to run and to feel sluggish and lethargic, to do pull ups and lift weights in miniscule quantities due to lack of strength. thats when i thought, why bother doing all this? might as well study and secure for myself a spanking report card. such inadequacies registered as failures in my mind and the thought of quitting never seemed so attractive before.
a wise person once said, "often in life, it is not the destination that matters, but rather the journey. don't keep thinking of the time of arrival and by doing so miss out the lovely smell of the flowers on the way." i guess that's really pertinent now, and in my heart ive become quite detached from the outcome of these 2 years of my life. whether i win a medal for myself, whether my team comes out successful of falls to pieces. it all doesnt matter. doesnt matter if im one of the weakest in the team, doesnt matter if we don't stand a chance. I'm just going to do my thing, keep doing my thing, who knows, perhaps what fate has in store might just be good.
even if i look back and discover that all my effort was for naught, i will still be proud of myself because i had perservered through it all, and didn't quit just because the situation was unfavourable. I don't believe im that kind of guy.
09:53 p.m.
Tuesday, January 2, 2007
oook
lazy me finally got pissed at that popup and just scrapped the whole tagboard. here's a concise summary of my december holiday
went laos dig holes throw stone ride tuktuk befriend little kids teach english wolf down food ride train mens talk get bitten by some badass bug smash stones cement floor play soccer chase chicken avoid stepping on cowshit screw people up shovel try to go fishing but fail kayaking expedition eat banana pancake unhygienic streetfood sparkling river
went taiwan exchange program boring lessons sleep in class go shopping eat street food get bored to death at home with a buddy that dont give a shit about me play bball sleep in class (oops, again) visit historical sites make new friends go out with host family have dinner at home wear slippers around the house listen to ipod in bed ride motorcycle as pillion eat lunchbox for lunch drink pearl milk tea eat chicken cutlet speak lousy chinese and get laughed at (LOL) buy 2kg of strawberries and eat them walk around hotel in bathrobe miss home eat huge ass sashimi as big as a phone feed random dog impervious to cold
12:56 a.m.
Monday, October 16, 2006
life's not about money or status... its about people
today i learnt a very important lesson, to treat people right. it revolved around PW as well as promotional exam results.
PW was mainly because i was trying to push my group towards working harder and faster and came off as bossy. Perhaps my intentions were good, but admittedly i was wrong, and PW's enough of a torture without having a pushy groupmate. Sorry to all, especially to andrea whom the stress cumulated in a breakdown today. What i learnt that... in going for a goal, you must be both task and people oriented, forget either and you either slack off and have lots of fun, or do well at the expense of other's feelings. And i guess if u look back at PW, its not the grade u get or the praise you receive, but its the fun and laughter that happens during the course of the work. Bottom line is- work isnt everything, people matter too.
My second lesson today came when we got back our results. First came bio, where i unexpectedly scraped an A by the skin of my teeth. Having expected the worst for that subject, i was estatic and proceeded to celebrate with amanda at the back of the LT. I guess there wasn't anything wrong with that, but i noticed the looks we got from people like kunda or jingwen who didn't do as well, and suddenly we felt bad. Looking back, i guess we should have been more sensitive, and i mean for about 15 minutes our joy at receiving an A made me and amanda so happy and full of ourselves that we forgot about the rest of the class. I guess i feel kind of guilty now, for not like encouraging the 'coconut gang' to do better. Ernest was quite satisfied, but kunda seemed rather disappointed and God knows i really wished him to do well because i realised he was working hard for it. Well... all in all, i should try to be more sensitive to people's feelings.
but i guess im sort of inept when it comes to emotional stuff, especially when it doesnt involve me. For example, when azura and xiaoyu cried in class today, i really didn't know what to do or say so i just kept away for fear of making things worse... but i really wanted to make them cheer up. well... the kokology personality test has revealed that i am an extremely self stressing person, even though i may appear to be easygoing and relaxed. But my two lessons today cumulate in a resolution: to make s03L a happier place. After all, i mean i think im really blessed to have a class where there are no barriers and everyone gets along with everyone, as if we were like brothers and sisters? And as a member of the class, although i admit that i was quite distant in the start of the year, being too caught up in canoeing to appreciate my classmates to the max, id like to make them happy. yup so beware the bernard-looney laughing kok talking muscle flexing mirror posing classmate!!! XDXD
05:39 p.m.
Monday, September 11, 2006
dont be sad...
a wise man named laoshen once said... for every bad thing that happens to you in life, God will send a good thing too. The good things are meant to make you happy and the bad things are meant to make you learn. nice guys actually receive proportionally more nice things than jerks, but because they come to expect the nice things and take them for granted, thats why they tend to be unhappy and constantly complain about how life doesnt reward being nice and so on. but thats not true!
guess lately life hasnt been too good to me. my ipod warranty got voided because of a chip, i lost my wallet, my ogl application didnt get through and i sacrificed my laos trip thinking it would. a moment ago i was feeling really sad and thinking that, shit im such a loser and nothing good happens to me.
but now i realised... there are 2 types of good things. one is the type that can't be controlled, and the other is the type that can be earned. having bad things happen to me that is somewhat out of my control just increases my resolve to earn the nice things i want, such as good grades in the promos or the SAF military scholarship. weiling laoshi once told me after i flunked a chinese compo in sec4... that failure can crushes you, but that makes you harder and tougher like never before. its testimony to your personality, how you treat failure. i managed to ace the next compo.
i guess in the end if u look back at life... its not about how many successes or failures u had, its how u turned out after it. in many things, be it getting fit or improving your chinese, its always tough at first and you'd meet many setbacks... but once u get past that, you'd be find, and ud look back and ud think, it was painful but im glad i did it.
08:29 p.m.
Friday, September 8, 2006
whats your price?
the pinnacle of an individual's integrity is incorruptibility. The placement of one's morals above any given material benefit, even something that is beyond our wildest dreams, signifies intense self respect that goes beyond the strong human vice of greed. This kind of resolution to hold strong to one's beliefs stands firm against the little devil in the mind that makes up excuses (such as by justifying a bribe by promising oneself to donate half of the money to charity).
i was watching a hk drama about the rise of a han emperor and how he subdued the barbarians... one of the great generals in the historical drama made an immortal statement when declining a huge bribe from the barbarian king. Li Guang, a brave and upright general, spoke the words "There are many rich and powerful people in history... but there will be only one Li Guang."
the cynical people state that everyone really has a price deep down. $50 can bribe a bouncer at a club to let an underage girl in, $1000 can bribe a police officer to overlook theft, $1million could bribe a senator in congress. perhaps some of you reading have a price too, be it $10 for a stupid dare that makes you look stupid, or a lunch treat in exchange for bio spa help. im not innocent of that.
but what i really respect is incorruptibility, the recognition that wealth, power and popularity comes and goes, but one's perception and respect of himself will echo through eternity. you need strong willpower to decline bribes especially when the opportunity cost is high, such as when you badly need money.
but... the human soul should not, and will not, be bought
07:40 p.m.
Thursday, September 7, 2006
the breaking point
i am very stressed, but im not doing much work. its really getting to my head, today i couldnt find my economics notes and i got so angry that i ripped my shirt... sort of like the hulk.
12:14 a.m.
Saturday, August 19, 2006
nothing precious is created with ease
athletes have this saying... "no pain, no gain." i believe that what applies to the sporting scene is wholly applicable to academics.
yes, the detractors of Singaporean education whine, we are too stressed, we have so much work, look at our counterparts overseas? They have so much spare time to play, drink, party. And us? swallowed in an neverending avalaunche of assignments and tutorials.
a diamond, when rough and uncut. looks completely like a piece of rock. nobody except a trained eye could have recognised it for what it was, and it was neither beautiful nor valuable to anybody. But alas! After a painstaking endeavour in which the raw diamond was cut, shaved, chipped, polished..... it became something of surpassing beauty, something to be treasured, something of purpose and value.
does not the diamond represent each and every one of us, with our hidden and undeveloped potentials? And does that arduous task of cutting that diamond not relate to the intense stress we undergo in our educations?
my mind wanders off to the words of wisdom from my past chinese teacher. "Stress is a catalyst. It can bring out the best in you like nobody has ever seen before, or it can defeat you. With the promotional exams coming... lets all knuckle down to work and do the best that we can.
11:58 a.m.
Tuesday, August 15, 2006
i will remember this
"Maturity is the ability to control anger and settle differences without violence or destruction. Maturity is patience. It is the willingness to pass up immediate pleasure in favor of the long-term gain. Maturity is perseverance, the ability to sweat out a project or a situation in spite of heavy opposition and discouraging set-backs. Maturity is the capacity to face unpleasantness and frustration, discomfort and defeat, without complaint or collapse. Maturity is humility. It is being big enough to say, "I was wrong." And, when right, the mature person need not experience the satisfaction of saying, "I told you so."
Maturity is the ability to make a decision and stand by it. The immature spend their lives exploring endless possibilities; then they do nothing.
Maturity means dependability, keeping one's word, coming through in a crisis. The immature are masters of the alibi. They are the confused and the disorganized. Their lives are a maze of broken promises, former friends, unfinished business, and good intentions that somehow never materialize.
Maturity is the art of living in peace with that which we cannot change, the courage to change that which should be changed -- and the wisdom to know the difference
08:39 p.m.
Monday, August 7, 2006
home is where the heart is
well, guess national day is coming. perhaps, now, for the very first time in the past 16 years, im starting to feel a glimmer of pride in being Singaporean. I guess i always took it for granted, and the grass is always green on the other side. I wanted to be american or something for a long time, cos they had bigger burgers and good fishing. lol.
today, i was asked to give a brief introduction in chinese about Singaporean history to our taiwanese exchange guests. I planned to do it routinely, but somehow, i got carried away, and i narrated the Singaporean story with conviction such that... the teacher in charge said that she wouldnt be surprised if i grew up to be a minister or something (which is bullshit, im a numbnut)
i guess i always took what i had for granted. the air conditioning. the availability of food, never having to go hungry very often when i was growing up (and even getting fat, hee) the education, how i hate myself for being so relunctant to do something thats so good for me and pivotal to my future! to think i used to hate every math lesson, every chinese tuition session. now, speaking in stuttering mandarin, unable to decipher the characters in a chinese newspaper, i regret my folly.
the beauty of it all is that... in less than half a century, we actually did the impossible. Theres so many places worldwide, with more natural resources than us. with equal amounts of human resource. with more land, and good location. look at brazil, look at the amazon, look at borneo. 50 years ago, Singapore was just a backwater slum somewhere, its port was like a convenient stop for the Europeans, who treated Singapore like a prostitute, getting what they wanted from it any means they fancied. We were soulless, a smattering of immigrants who came here for our own ends, to get rich and get out.
then came world war two and the rise of nationalism. the recognition that if somebody had to give a shit about us, that somebody was ourselves. GET TOUGH! GET MOVING! was the mindset. no pussying behind Europeans for military defence, no whining when the British army pulls out and less money comes around. We'd carve our own niche, we'd survive, we'd prosper.
and i guess we have. sort of, anyway. but what i really am sad about is the hollowness of the 'Singaporean Dream'. if you have read 'the great gatsby' (and no u bloody himbos, im not talking abt that line of hair wax. go to jail pls), you will see the emptiness of the American Dream, the hollow and lonely materialism. Thats similar to the Singaporean Dream. What did they say... the five C's right? Car, Condo, Creditcard, Countryclub, career. im not disputing capitalism, but i believe that a money driven life... isnt much of a life. i wish Singaporeans would wake up. Im not saying all of us are like that, but i just wish that such a mercenary mindset would slowly be eroded.
Deep down, i think Singaporeans are fundamentally good people. We're just shy, and sort of harassed. Maybe, we could all just have faith in each other's niceness, and take the plunge by starting it off first. doing small things like giving a gift out of a blue to a neighbour for no reason, smiling to a stranger, those little things go a long way. Maybe, when that happens, we'd go closer from a country to a nation.
09:43 p.m.
Tuesday, August 1, 2006
the social stigmatisation of the overweight
i was walking back to RJC after PW, when i met an old friend. because i was with an obese female PW group member, the friend sent me a rather mean sms saying "hey ur lucky to be with that girl there, u won't go hungry", insinuating that she was fat and we could eat her in the case of a famine.
that set me reflecting on the prevalent social trend which discriminates against the members of society with large quantities of adipose tissue.
the idea that being fat is bad only surfaced recently. in the past where food was scarce, being fat was a good thing. it was the thing to be. in ancient china, a fat man had better prospects at marriage because he was wealthy enough to eat well. in some parts of africa, males gorge on milk and honey to get fat so as to attract mates (damn, during intercourse if the guy stumbles and lands on the girl, ouch! 100 kg of fat)
but recently, with the medical insight that obesity brings about health problems, the slim are considered to be more 'healthy' and 'vigourous'. Being lean and mean was the way to go, and fat people were stereotyped as gluttons, pigs, and people who had no discipline and kept eating.
is it good for society? i admit on the whole it pushes us towards being lean and healthful, but the psychological stress it brings to many (just take the example of the multitudes of sad, anorexic girls who starve themselves or even resort to bulimia-> puking out food after eating), and the mental torment it brings to the overweight people who are often ostracized.
i conclude that... although it is important to stay lean and healthy, it isnt a crime to be fat. it is shallow to classify or dismiss a person as being fat and ugly (although i myself am not unguilty of superficiality). lets all be happy yo.
this blog entry sounds so GP. mrs davis would be proud of this student. hoho
08:41 p.m.
Sunday, July 30, 2006
am i a freak?
The gifted tend to demonstrate high reasoning ability, creativity, curiosity, a large vocabulary, and an excellent memory. Gifted individuals experience the world differently and more intensely, resulting in unique social and emotional issues.
i don't mean to be shameless, but the characteristics describe me. i guess i won't seem very gifted on paper where my grades aren't outstanding, but yeah.
i never really thought i was gifted, but i always knew i was different. different in a bad way. in the past (perhaps even now), i was socially disabled, and i just couldnt fit in. the things i liked or found funny, nobody did. i liked fishing, people liked soccer. i couldnt see what was so fun about kicking a damn ball around. i liked reading and philosophy, people liked math or science.
Perfectionism is another common emotional issue for gifted individuals. D. E. Hamachek identified six specific, overlapping behaviors associated with perfectionism. They include (1) depression, (2) a nagging "I should" feeling, (3) shame and guilt feelings, (4) face-saving behavior, (5) shyness and procrastination, and (6) self-deprecation
although i guess it isnt very obvious, ive always went through this. thats why i don't do my work or wait till the last minute to do it. its because i always want to do it right, do it flawless, spent lots of effort and make it perfect, and im unwilling to get started in the fear of fouling up. thats really retarded i know, but thats true. i used to not want to do my math assignments because i would know that id get something wrong and have to put liquid paper on the assignment and mar it. i think the term for it is 'failure-avoidance'. which brought more shit on me, anyway, in sec 3.
i used to be a smart alec. at least, thats what everyone said i was. i guess i was a smart alec too, but the thing is, i didnt do it to gain popularity or let people know i was superior to them. it just came out. i hate it but it just happened. thats why im so socially inept. i don't dare to talk lest everything comes out wrong and it all falls to pieces again.
but no, im not an ego freak. and im no child prodigy at anything. my math is average, im unmusical, and to tell the truth, i dont really have any claim on the assertion that i am gifted. so shoot me. im just trying to explain why i am. maybe im just angsty, minus the talent.
im just crazy. heres the game plan. earn big bucks by 40 years old, buy my own friggin island somewhere, stay there and go fishing. travel back occasionally to get some socks. no need for human interaction
07:18 p.m.
Monday, July 24, 2006
holy cow
bloody nightmare. was having a fabulous dream about my eyecandy when she suddenly morphed into a fat girl. what the hell.
09:47 p.m.
Saturday, July 22, 2006
DAMN BLUR
something is wrong with me. why am i so goondu. First- was in mom's car on the way home, was peeling an orange to eat. mom's phone rings, i meant to answer it for her, but i end up picking the orange up and trying to talk to it. LOL.
next, during chem mock SPA. i was being such a klutz that my teacher in exasperation said, "bernard, u got level negative 5 already. Did kuku stuff like not stirring the thing to dissolve it, not putting the burette clip onto the burette resulting it purple potassium manganate being sprayed all over my pants, trying to use the distilled water bottle to suck up some excess potassium manganate and BEING CAUGHT LOL. ok i suck. and best of all, i forgot to return my register number tag. i just found it in my pencil case.
12:20 a.m.
Sunday, July 16, 2006
nightmare from long ago
was reading some philosophy things like the 'brain in the vat' experiment when i had a flashback to a nightmare i had when i was about 11 or 12....
we are on earth, at least we think we are, but earth's just a virtual reality, like a computer game that we log into and assume identities. when we die on earth, actually, we are just like shutting down the computer, and returning to the reality of the place we think is heaven. I saw lines of people, slumped against a damp and faded wall, unconscious, with electrodes and other stimulating devices on their forehead and skull. when they died on earth, they merely were unplugged.
that sounds terribly matrix, but i dreamt of that before i watched the matrix. but it wasnt very dreary or what because when u got unplugged u just took ur life on earth as an experience, perhaps some joy and fun mingled with inevitable pain and sadness. just like a dream
im really demented. i swear i am. just that i dont show it. all the places i go to in my head, sometimes i just stone and i would dream that i was a space explorer in a spacesuit, having accidentally lost grip of my spaceship, drifting in the endless reaches of vast space, watching the colourful nebulae and brilliant stars, waiting for my air supply to run out. its that kind of crazy shit that makes me think im crazy
09:31 p.m.
Sunday, July 16, 2006
LOL
Donald Rumsfeld gave the president his daily briefing. He concluded by saying: "Yesterday, three Brazilian soldiers were killed."
"Oh no!" the president exclaimed. "That's terrible!"
His staff was stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the president sat, his head in his hands.
Finally, the president looked up and asked, "Exactly how many is a brazillion?"
12:51 a.m.
Saturday, July 15, 2006
the importance of being emo
today... i just realised that the world is pretty big and to some extent, im in it alone. i mean even if u have friends and family, they'd never really understand you. so im in here alone and i plan to make the most out of it.
11:26 p.m.
Wednesday, July 12, 2006
canoeing nationals
today.... was extremely good for RJC canoeing as a team but terrible for the T-squad. out of 36 finalists and 10 schools, we have 9 finalists for guys team. do the math and ud find that thats pretty good, even though our finalists are actually squeezing their way in by the skin of their teeth.
as for the vaunted T squad, today was the realisation that we aren't as good as we thought we were. The T squad trains hard and has terrific timings, but we realised that the Ts from other schools aren't gonna be a walkover either. Zengyu and edwin had problems with a NJC T1, zhikai i think, and i lost to HCI1 and NJC1(a little only) with a timing of 2.10, which is like my personal best timing.
had a great dinner tonight. my maid who used to be a terrible cook made wantons, which she boiled in ikan bilis stock, tasted rather good, except that it lacked shrimps.
i havent done any hw or what for almost a week. maybe i shud do like a lil tonight. or just watch slam dunk lol.
life's gonna be real good soon. got lotsa lan with canoeists coming up, as well as class outings! and maybe even turk gang outings (perhaps). my CT results were... above average, and considering i worked pretty hard for it, im quite proud of myself. Of course, i didnt get As or even Bs, but yeah.
08:25 p.m.
Tuesday, August 8, 2006
just one more moment
here's a little song that i really like! "don't take too long to say i love you to the ones you love,... cuz time, has a habit of slipping away....... out on the clear blue skies when lightning strikes on a sunny day, just take me in, and keep me from the rainnn.... and the words that seem so hard to say, come out when you've gone away, stay a little while to hear me say: that i want you here tonight and i need you by my side, for just one more moment.... one more moment... with you..."
really nice song! haha... its 'one more moment' by ronin... its not that hard to sing too...
felt that i was distancing too much from si rui. went to tell him what i felt, but i think that the damage has been done already. whether we'd remain as we were or diverge... remains to be seen.
06:49 p.m.
Saturday, August 5, 2006
this is just the beginning
the heat's been turned up (what a pun). heat's next wednesday and semifinals too.
as president of the coconut gang, i shall: sit in front during lectures, do my tutorials, take 30 minute every break to study. hopefully, my promo results won't be as dismal as my common test results
04:29 p.m.